blog · Blogging · Chronic illness · Disability · Illness · Lifestyle · Pain · Sickness · Wheelchair

The Three T’s

Twenties, Tears & Tantrums

Some days I entirely understand exactly what happened to 2008 Britney. In fact, on a particularly bad day I may even describe the shaving of her head incident as nothing more then a logical way to confront a bad hair day. Frankly if I am being completely honest, on a really bad pain day, I may consider trying to shave someone else’s head as a punishment for glancing at me the wrong way.

Growing up in England I think we are all brain washed from a young age into believing crying makes you weak, shouting makes you a bad person and laughing for more than 15 seconds makes you crazy. Growing up in general can make you question your sanity a thousand times a day every day from the moment you hit puberty until the moment you hit the grave. Whether the questions are raised by your inability to say no to yet another tequila shot or if it is raised by something entirely more serious; I firmly believe everyone has questioned their sanity at some point. What I have found, however Is that chronic illness can pull so strongly on every single human emotion you can’t help but wonder if you may actually be losing the plot all together.

I have full on wailed like a 2-year-old on a supermarket floor more times in the past 8 months then I can physically ever remember doing in my entire life. Part of me now feels that when life has crumbled to pieces like a soggy digestive, I should just allow the tears and snot flow with absolutely no shame. However, another part of me also feels deeply ashamed that I know I have ugly cried into my chicken dinner more times than I care to remember already this year.

One of my reasons for writing this is to remind myself that although my timing can be far from ideal, it is okay to cry. For anyone who may be reading this, it is okay to cry no matter what your age, gender or circumstances. One particular late night snot fest, found me googling to find out why we cry when we’re sad. It actually made me feel dramatically better about crying so much so I shall share my new found knowledge:

Emotional tears release hormones and toxins that are associated with high stress levels. So there you have it, if you still find yourself feeling guilty, just tell yourself you are just releasing the stress hormones/toxins using the water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium from your tear ducts. Where is the shame in that really?

And for anyone wondering, yes I did actually google what tears were.

Life isn’t easy at the minute. In fact I feel learning to unicycle, while standing on my head, in a ring of fire would probably be easier than emotionally navigating been chronically ill and becoming disabled at 21 is. The constant battle between staying strong and allowing sadness to be present is one that I don’t think you can win. There is no right answer, someone will always believe you could handle your emotions better; some days that person is yourself.

Chronically ill or not, even if you just feel emotionally un hinged sometimes, I have compiled a short list of ways I think work to deal with your emotions.
• Allow yourself to be sad and to cry. (Nobody is happy 365 days a year)
• Remember the importance sleep and good nutrition has on our emotions. Try and eat well and get enough rest.
• Remember to breath. Sometimes you need to just concentrate on breathing to keep calm. (There is no shame in this)
• Write a letter or a text telling the world how terrible life is treating you, then tear it up or delete it.
• Watch a film or show you love (nothing too serious)
• If you feel out of control for more than a short period of time seek help personal or professional
• Hold on and remember no matter how difficult today is, it can only ever last 24hours. Tomorrow is always a new day.

Blogging · Chronic illness · Disability · Illness · Lifestyle · Pain · Sickness

So it begins…

So it’s currently 04.50am. I’m in some kind of half dead zombie like state sprawled across my bed with more pillows then a fancy chain hotel. I’m clinging to my V pillow and hot water bottle like it the only thing that can help me survive.
So in an un expected need to suddenly be productive. I’ve decided to start something, I’ve been saying I’ll do for months… Write down what life is actually like when your 21 and suddenly become disabled. Usually most 20 somethings are only up in the early hours ,with no sleep, if they’ve been getting drunk or they’ve got way too into a netflix series. However as much as I enjoy dancing all night and throwing up on my own shoes outside a pizza shop. Or alternatively convincing myself that I’ll watch just one more episode knowing fine well they’ll be another cliff hanger that’ll keep me hooked. Sadly I’ve been doing neither of these things.
In fact, I will formally announce that me and my mothers toilet and now very, very close trust me I mean very close. But I shall not go into details of vomit or all the other things that will stay firmly between myself, my doctor and of course the bathroom walls.
Life with a disability of any kind is hard. However someone once told me, you can’t polish a turd and this is how it feels trying to put a cheerful light on chronic illness. This kind of thing sweeps through life destroying everything and everyone in its path. One sick person causes so many reproductions destroying the family, friends or carer it equally sucks for everyone just in very different ways. I’m not ashamed to say I struggle with trying to adapt to this completely different lifestyle. I scream, shout, lash out, laugh and cry sometimes all within the same hour.

My aim is to write once a month from now on about life with a disability. I intend to cover topics that I frequently found myself googling, only to find nothing but information aimed at the elderly. If nothing else, I want this to remind me to take my own advice and not take life too seriously. No matter how hard it is, you can always find joy, you may just have to look far harder then others. I would like to give my family and friends a window into my life. I plan to provide a positive outlook on issues people with chronic illness/disability’s face everyday. Above all else I intend to provide hope that this type of life doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Illness does not have to define you!